Scrolling through my latest blog posts I realize what a rollercoaster this is, life down under. Some days I’m on top of the world, while other days, like in the past couple of weeks, it’s clear that I’ve hit rock bottom.
Right now, in this very moment, things are good.
I’ve found myself a new job in a café less than a 10-minute walk from where I live, just up the hill where I’m used to catching the bus to get to the train to my current job. It is a lovely place with a strong community feel that serves coffee, breakfast and brunch. From next week on I’ll start no earlier than 7/7.30 am and finish no later than 5 pm, how luxurious is that?! WIN!
I’ve been granted a partial scholarship for Margie Warrell’s Live Brave Day in Sydney this weekend. A friend of Janet’s (my host mum during my Au Pair year in the US), I’ve heard a lot about her and can’t wait to see what Saturday brings along – heaps of inspiration, I hope. An ambassador of courage, to me, what she does seems so cool, I’d love to do something like her!
Also, I am FINALLY getting my deposit back for the coaching course that I spontaneously signed up for in February when, one might say, I was in desperate need to find direction in life. The long lost AUD 997 will be most welcome back into my account. Chi-ching!
Most importantly, however, I think I’m finally learning to treat myself with kindness, to not judge myself for everything I do or don’t. What I eat, how much I work out, whether or not I got everything done at work… wth? I’ve been eating chocolate pretty much every day since Easter, but so what? More is not always more; not when it comes to eating healthy, not when it comes to working out. One needs freedom; one needs liberty. Space. Boundaries are good, but rules are made to be broken. Therefore, I’m breaking my rules and challenging myself to not take things so seriously. That, my friends, is a full time job.
I now realize I’ve been trying to control life way too much. Eat like this, workout like that. Work as much as possible to earn money to do, well, what? I don’t even know, but stay on top of things nevertheless! Be disciplined, in control. It’s time to work, so switch ‘on’.
HOW EXHAUSTING IS THAT?
WHAT A LIFE IS THAT???
My life, correct.
In the back of my mind I’m still thinking that this is just a break from reality; that the day will come when I have to get my shit together and go back to reality. Back to the rat race, because that’s life, isn’t it? Real life. As if that’s what it’s meant to be like. Interestingly, I’ve always wanted to fit in, to belong and be like everyone else. At the same time, however, I do not want to be a copy of everyone else, there’s more to me than that. Back home I felt like a copy of a hundred other young women who all look the same, dress the same and have the same CV. What differentiates me from others? Who is Anna, who am I?
I am slowly starting to realize that I’ve got it all in me. I don’t have to go home, or even if I do there’s no one or nothing that forces me to go back to where I come from. Piece by piece the puzzle is forming: I can be anything I want. As long as I’m focused, have faith in myself and work hard, I can be anything I want. Nothing in life is free, I know, but good things happen to good people, right? I think they call it the law of attraction.
Most of my life I’ve lived in the future, stressing about things that are most likely not even going to happen – what if this, what if that, blablabla – all the while life is happening here and now. Here and now, that’s all that matters. There’s no point in thinking back at last night when I ate a whole block of chocolate because there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing I can do to change it, nothing. What I can do, however, is to not repeat the action here and now, but instead have just a piece or two or none at all unless I really feel like it. Five minutes ago already happened and five minutes from now is yet to come, so why waste one’s energy on either one?
Here and now. Here and now. Here and now.
Wednesday, May 3, 4.05 pm at Tin Pin Café on Bondi Road. Here I am, and you know what? This is my new motto:
So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.
And I think to myself: what a wonderful world.
What choices can you make here and now to let your pile of good things grow?