Wednesday. My only day off this week and I wake up at 12.22 pm, feeling like I’ve missed half of the day although it hasn’t even started yet, for me it hasn’t. But it’s my only day off!
Why didn’t I just get up at 8 am when my alarm went off?
I feel guilty for not being productive, like I’ve missed the train, fallen of the wagon. Wondering how to make the most of my day I understand that I’ve still got most of it left, yet somehow I feel like it’s too late. I wanted to do this and that and–
Wait a minute.
Right now, in this very moment: what do I feel like doing today?
What I feel like doing today, huh? Somehow I seem to find myself faced with a constant need to be productive, day after day. To do something smart, to not waste time.
As mentioned probably a million times, I came here, to the other side of the world where things are upside down (or is that just the case for home?), in hope of finding my path. Peace of mind, tranquility, balance. First and foremost, my mission was and is to give myself a break, however I’m also here to break my barriers so that one day I can go home and do anything, anything, without feeling that I’ve downgraded. Contradicting enough, I find myself pushing myself in the complete opposite direction, faster, harder, JUST DO IT!
As if this wasn’t enough. As if I wasn’t enough.
Why can’t I just give myself a break? And why, oh, why, do I give my degree such massive importance, anyways? I mean it is valuable, I know it is, but it doesn’t define me. There’s more to me than that.
To be, or not to be, but what exactly? Something; someone? Nothing at all…? Anything, everything; ourselves. Maybe it’s all about being; forgetting the doing and just being?
For someone who’s pretty much lived for others’ approval their whole life, simply ‘being’ is super difficult. At school, at work, at home; I still do, even in my current home I do, and what kind of a home is that?! Stay out of the way, be the perfect housemate. Don’t make a mess and avoid conflict, because if conflict arises they are likely to be right which makes you wrong…
But why would they be more right than you? Why would they be right in the first place?
At an intellectual level I know that I’m enough, I’ve been told that my whole life, but the emotional level is where the struggle hits me.
I am enough.
I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. Beyond our degrees, careers and all the material things we possess, we all are enough, just the way we are. Perfectly imperfect, imperfectly perfect, just the way we’re supposed to be.
I’m where I’m supposed to be, and all is well. The universe’s has got me taken care of.
It’s Friday, I’m enough.
Lots of love and a happy weekend,