Long time no see. How have you been? Yes, you, whoever you are.

I’ve been… alright. There’s been a lot going on, even though to the outer world it might seem like nothing out of the ordinary. I finished my 12-week Artist’s Way course, but ended up continuing my personal development journey (how I dislike the word ’journey’ even though I do love Don’t Stop Believing, ha!) with another eight weeks of weekly group sessions and artist’s dates and morning pages.

And how has it been? Intense, thanks for asking. Super intense.

Lately, I feel like I’ve tapped into a whole new level of [awareness? Understanding? I don’t know what to call it, but something that I haven’t been able to connect with before]. Knowing that it might sound absolutely ridiculous, something that I’d have strongly agreed with just a few months ago, I feel like I’ve opened up to the world for the first time ever, to life and all the abundance (another word that I do not feel very comfortable using) it has to offer.

Despite having come to believe that everything in life happens for a reason, it is safe to say that I’ve never trusted life to work out for me, or for the Universe – yes, the Universe – to care for me. Now I do, though. In the past couple of months I have somehow come to trust that everything will work out, everything’s going to be alright. I am taken care of; things will go just the way they’re meant to. (At least part of me has.)

Because if it doesn’t open, it’s not your door, and when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And, as goes my all time favorite:

Leap, and the net will appear.

Not out of the blue in some magical way, but if you’re proactive about it, it will, it actually will.

I did. 10 months or 45 weeks or 315 days later I feel like I’ve survived a car crash that’s completely ruined my vehicle, but I’m alright. I’m stepping out of the wreck that used to be my car and have no other choice but to start walking – what else can I do?

In what direction, though?

Forward. The only way is forward.

The only way is forward.

As silly as it sounds, I’ve realized that I cannot control life; learnt that at the end of the day all that matters is here and now. I’ve crossed paths with people who have helped me break down my barriers by forcing me to look into myself and try to figure out who I am and who I want to be vs. where I come from and who I used to be. While one day I feel more alive than ever, you know, in a ’THIS is what life should be like!’ kind of way, the next day I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing here. What’s the point, and what is my purpose?

Up and down and back and forth, love, hate, yes, no – strong feelings, all or nothing. Even my boss calls me ALL IN nowadays.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m no longer able to write about what I’ve been up to and who I’ve hung out with, not that I’ve been doing that much lately anyways, but you know. It no longer works for me. I am too deep in the shit, as I like to put it, to write a funny story here and another one there, for your entertainment. In the past couple of months I’ve noticed that when I write I write and if I do it comes straight from the heart, there’s no other way. No filtering, no nothing; pure and raw. Bare and naked, the ugly truth about my stumbling along this path called life, one that I want to live to the fullest, the mis/fortunes of which I’d like to believe might be of comfort to others.

Hence, from now on I’ll write when I feel like writing and do the opposite when I don’t, so don’t wonder if I go into hiding every now and then. I’m probably just learning, living, feeling and processing; wondering what this peculiar thing called life might have in store for me while trying not to think too much and doing my best to enjoy the little things in life; not forgetting to celebrate the tiniest of victories; failing and trying again and again and again…

Cause things are no longer what they used to be.

Oh precious heart
you think you’re lost
look down
look down
and find your feet

Love & light,
Anna