The clock is ticking.

Quite a few of my posts, I realize, start with a referral to time. It is Wednesday, July 26th, but it feels like a Friday in April or maybe May because my work week is over and I’m off for the next couple of days, and also because it simply does not feel like the end of August.

My current job has brought me back to a 5am wake up routine, some days as early as 4.45am, and it’s been killing me softly since Monday because I haven’t slept enough. Hence, a much needed weekend it is!

Once more it’s been an intense couple of weeks. The clock is ticking: tick, tock, tick, tock… Soon I will have been gone for a full year, 365 days. How is it possible that time flies so fast? As if it had wings it swooshes by like that seagull who dove down over one of my friends’ shoulder and snatched her ice cream just as she’d opened it a few years back, leaving behind nothing but an empty wrapping paper and a confused face.

Anyways. A full year and no farm work, and it looks like my time here is coming to an end. My plans will become clear(er) on August 1st, i.e. in a few days’ time, and I’m nervous. It took me up until a couple of weeks ago to realize that I’m not ready to leave this place, I am not ready to leave. I’ll go home for Christmas, but I’m not ready to stay there. I do not want to stay, but where should I go? I never came here to travel, but to “live a simple life” – some people here laugh at me when they hear me say that; “you call this a simple life, Anna?” – and to “settle down for a while”. Not to stay, especially not forever, but not to come back in a year, either. For several months I found myself wondering whether this is a place where I really want to stay; maybe not, I concluded, but when trying to figure out where I see myself in January a few weeks ago I realized it is not in Finland. It is not in Germany or some other random, first-choice European country, nor is it in New Zealand or Canada for another working holiday. I do not want to start all over again, to live in hostels and get to know people because I know no one. Similarly, if I’d move abroad with the intention to find a job I wouldn’t know anyone and everyone would already have their groups of friends which would mean more work for me, work work work work work… no. I see myself here, but is it too late to apologize?

I find myself living more and more in the now, which is relieving to see, yet scary in a sense that I feel like without the constant worrying about what will happen in January I am losing control, I am no longer on top of things. Sounds ridiculous, I know, because it’s not like I can control the future, but still. It’s a matter of letting go and trusting that things are going to work out.

(–but what if they won’t??? They will.)

It is almost as if the countdown has begun, but I haven’t really registered it. The only thing I hear is a vague, barely noticeable yet undoubtedly present sound of a ticking clock:

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…

Like the one on my grandma’s wall, just behind the tv.

Remains to be seen what happens.

Trust, trust, trust.

Trust.

x
Anna